Quotes
+Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.+All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy
+[On Prince Charles] Little grovelling bastard
+Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
+[On heaven] I'd like to go there. But if Jeffrey Archer is there, I want to go to Lewisham.
+A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
+Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
+Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
+"The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled. Twit"
+My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
+When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts.
+Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
+For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
+"Said Prince Charles when they placed the crown on his head: I suppose this means that Mummy's dead."
+(French Translation) - Apéritif: a set of dentures.
+I can't see the sense in it [his honorary CBE] really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists.
+And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
+I told you I was ill!
+It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
+I'm having difficulty getting the doctors around here to sign the appropriate form. on seeking permission to celebrate 80th birthday with 12,000 ft skydive
+Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen
+How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
+In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
+I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
+Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant
+I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
+I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
+I'm a hero with coward's legs.
+[On his friend Harry Secombe's death] I'm glad he died before me, because I didn't want him to sing at my funeral
